And, I think I'm happy

And, I think I'm happy.

Learning to love being out here with nothing but the stars and the shushing of the wind's kiss on the trees.

My dog lays at my feet. My kids run up and down the hill in the backyard.

The rock sits heavy on the trashcan lid to keep foxes and raccoons out. I turn on the motion light in the morning to watch my son and husband drive to school. Jack, our fox scammers away.

The deer sleep five feet away like happy fat cows in my backyard during the day, then graze when the sun sets along our nonfence lined property. I love how they wander to and fro as if they own this place long before we were here. I am okay with that.

Appreciation of a nonsewage smell in the house makes me happy. This week, learned all I could about septic tanks. Grateful for the green cover and updated plug outlet now buried inside the yard. I know it's safe. And, $1600 later, I know all about septic pumps, how to switch the valve and how to survive when the light screams high water. I know I can go three days without a running septic and survive.

Learning how to shop all at once when I am "in town." It's very Laura Ingalls Wilder. Learned to over buy milk and staples and to appreciate the treats when I get them. Learned also to appreciate life without them.

Learned to live without pizza delivery and weeks without Starbucks. I've learned to make my own coffee concoction at home. My perfect brew: Folgers Vanilla Biscotti coffee pod, a dash of Amaretto coffee creamer and a slice of Hershey syrup or a piece of a Hershey bar works fine. It's perfect and only 80 cents a cup.

Working on making my own scones too. It seems only fitting since I live on Scone drive. Why not? Though, to be honest, if I could buy them, I'd just buy them. I get giddy when I get something new in the mail. I love also having my own non-community mailbox too. Mail order is great. When there's nothing near, ordering and paying shipping seems to be the only way.

I love waving at our mail lady too. This small community makes me happy in my soul. It's like we all take care of each other.

I have one friend out here, actually almost two. I am okay with that. Good friends are hard to find. And, I have some family too. We are related by marriage almost. Well, not really, but she's family. I get to see her Sunday. Makes me feel whole.

No word from my MIL, but expect something is brewing. Letting it be. Have to let hubby deal with it- -or not deal with it. But, I finally feel peace with that. I finally feel forgiveness. It's almost an excitement in my heart to be free of it. It's a joy I can't contain. I am happy. Weight is lifted.

Spending Thanksgiving with my aunt and her husband. Chicken Fried Steak is on the menu and of course, pie. It will be the first time in eleven years that I am not entertaining hubby's mom. We are making the family recipes- -like grandma used to make. We won't overindulge. We make just enough and we will make it together. No kitchen bosses, just kitchen family working together alongside each other in the kitchen. The home feels warm. I can't wait to make memories.

Christmas in Colorado. Excited, yet nervous about getting on a plane as a family of five, being somewhere else for five days, nervous about my mom's Rottweiler dogs too. But, if I can live in a one bedroom apartment for three months, I can have fun in a new place. And, besides, there will be snow.

Found a great place to put the dog while we are gone. It's a dog ranch. $28 a day, but he won't be cooped up in a vet cage. It's worth it.

Found a vet I love. Found a pediatric dentist that's fine. I found a doctor for me and a barber for the boys. Found a dentist for me and hubby too.

It's slowly coming together. I even found a school for my son to attend preschool and he's so happy. And, it only brings balance to my life to have that time apart from him.

It also feels nice not to be poor either. We have what we need and we are not scrimping to buy groceries so we can save to buy and sell a house. It's nice. It's like breathing again.

Bought some things for myself too. Felt great.  We are not talking going crazy, but I bought a pair of boots, some clothes for myself and for my oldest. Small stuff like shoes without holes are very much appreciated. We literally had shoes with holes in them for a while. Wal-mart shoes don't last too long on a six year old.

Living with so little for so long was like living with open wounds. Now, I remember them clearly, makes me appreciate all that I have now.

Makes me happy.

I'll rest here for a while- -enjoying every minute of this blessing.

My marriage is better. We fight. We argue. We fall away. We come back together. We get beneath the layers, little by little. Out here in the country, there's no place to go.

It's good.

Yes, it's good.

I know I am happy. There's too many blessings to count.

Fences of comfort

Oct 2012

This new city thing is coming together…a little. 

I DID get a little sad when I talked to our dog’s former vet yesterday. It wasn’t that I LOVED the place; it’s just that I could picture who was on the other side of the phone. Then, I missed home.

I don’t miss my old house, but I miss how I knew everything about it.

This house is a new adventure every day. Today the septic high water light went on again. Sigh. Tomorrow, it may be something else. Learning to roll with what comes at me. It’s not easy, but to look back and see what waters we’ve rafted, it doesn’t seem that bad.

So far….

Met a new friend.  She makes me laugh. She GETS me. She’s very vocal and very laid back. She’s older, like she graduated in 89…older. That’s fine. Still trying to figure us out.  I can tell she’s trying to figure me out too..only she’s the more confident one. I feel like I just put my toe in the water.

Went to the park with her. Her kids are a bit older. She’s a nature person. She is now in charge of the ropes course at the school, on city council and a couple other important things. Though, talking to her, you’d never know it. I really feel like myself with her, yet still I feel it’s a balancing act not to share too much. I have to also remember she knows nothing about me.

It’s starting from ground zero. It’s a weird place.  And, I remember neighbor issues at the old house and just things I could have done better, so I try to do the best I can. 

I don’t want to appear clingy or needy or share too much.  I want to undo anything else I could have done wrong with other friends.  It seems like it’s better when you need your friends less than they need you.. I always feel like I need them more and it’s harder that way.. So I stand tough these days..

Probably too tough.

The hard part is not having years to fall back on. Like, I’ve only known her a week or two so we don’t have a history to ground the friendship. Like, any day she could like stop calling and inviting me to stuff and I’ve got to be okay with that. It’s hard since I feel  so vulnerable right now.

So, I feel a little lost some days not having a home base because my friends really are my family. They are. And, I have no family here.. but I know it will come…

Still don’t know if I am in her club yet. She embraces me, but I wait every day and prepare if I don’t make the cut. Not sure exactly who the popular kids are. I think I know two of them now, so I am all too careful. This really is a small town. Population 1250, it feels like population 5.

I’m holding back a ton these days. They call me “Houston.” They laugh at my hills fears and my strong pain of missing chain restaurants and pizza. And, how I WHINE about how everything is so FAR away (25 minutes away).

She got along well with John and she seems to be on my wavelength. Her house is over the hill. I can see her metal roof from my deck.  It makes my world feel smaller when I can point to someone I know from my front deck. It, actually means the WORLD to me.

I am great when we talk over the phone, but together, in person, like all other times, I get shy. I don’t feel as confident. Or as bold.

I attended the Halloween party for the neighbors. It was a bunch of parents and their kids. It was great, but I froze up the minute I was in the crowd. I suddenly didn’t know what to do. I said hello, shook some hands and got all stiff.  Small talk. I am great with a couple of people at a time, but in crowds, I just don’t do as well.

I visited a neighbor church Halloween gig. It was awesome, though I fought back the tears because I didn’t know a soul.

I find I am afraid to let the kids go too. I don’t want them to leave my side. Even in the backyard, I am careful. Of course, there are no fences.

Fences, now that’s the deeper issue.  The fences I’ve built around me over the 34 years I lived in Houston. Fences of friends become family.

Fences of familiarity. Fences of safety. Fences of people that took care of me. Doctors, teachers, fire fighters.

It’s not easy. When people don’t know you. It’s like I’m walking a tightrope without a safety net all of the time- -an orphan out here.

But, little by little, I feel like this COULD be home… Just have to give it time…