34th birthday brings face value
It's a good change, like when all of sudden your jeans have stretched just enough, or when your hair finally grows out after a bad haircut.
I've noticed a few extra wrinkles around my eyes when I smile. I don't know why they say "Smile! It increases your face value. I just see creases."
I've noticed I am tired a lot more and yet more self aware. I know what makes me tired and I am learning how to build myself up and that I'm in charge of that too.
Today was fabulous because I got to see my sons meet Santa for the first time. I embraced the moment, held back the tears and just took it all in. My eldest son sang Christmas songs on the stage while laughing and fidgeting with a hot pink Jesus loves me bracelet. He was shy, silly and brave all at once.
Knowing at age 34, we are done with having more children, was a process in itself. But, now, I'm starting to really embrace having older children. It's quite a job to watch their hearts move- -to watch them grow into the worlds around them.
I've grown up into myself too. I am learning how to push the restart button when things become too much. Lately, with three growing kids, working 10-15 hours from home, and dealing with a neurotic dog and a husband working 60 hours and taking evening classes, I've had to push the restart button often.
Reading the book Boundaries helps too. It said as soon as you start to feel angry, you've gone beyond a boundary. I just failed at that part. I realized I should have given myself a break- -a little credit for cleaning the kitchen, the living room, taking out the trash and making lunches.
It's my birthday and honestly all I want is a nap and a break. I've cleaned most of the day and taken care of kids. I am pretty much past the point of burnout.
Back to the Boundary thing. This week I got to the part about saying no, publishing my boundaries, not giving more than I have and, the hard one, when I've got a problem with person C, I need to go right to person C and let them know, not around them or behind them. I am a coward about that part.
That's a tough one- -especially with people that I have in my life. If I tell my MIL or my mom how I feel about things, it can become explosive really quickly. My mom, when I disagree with her, will usually hang up the phone. Then, she'll call back. Then, hang up, then call back. Sometimes she won't talk to me for months.
With my MIL, she will corner me. Suffocate me. And, overcome me, until I finally agree. For someone like me- -a peacemaker, starting a war is like learning another language.
And, to be honest, my four years of Spanish isn't all that good. The yard man, who only speaks Spanish, actually TOLD me to only speak English because my Spanish was THAT bad. He was laughing and slightly insulted I think when I came out with "El corto the yardo."
I am not sure I can tell my MIL that she drives me crazy. But, I can stop talking about her and I can start praying a lot more for her.
Yesterday, I prayed that she'd be employed. That she'd have a job, that she'd feel valued and needed and that she'd feel encouraged and like an "expert" in her field. I prayed for her to feel valued where she is.
The next day, she got a job. Yes, my sister-in-law, due to have a baby next week, asked her to stay in DC with her for a month. From Dec. 10-Jan 10. I am off the hook for Christmas. No entertaining here. No house cleaning. No Christmas drama. No travel. No boarding of my dog in that awful place that looks like the pound I rescued him from. Just a two-week break. Just what I needed. Perfect.
It is interesting when you pray specifically for an answer and one comes. It's kindof encouraging that way.
I could pray not to hate my MIL. I need to work on that. It's not as deep as I've made it out to be. She doesn't really know me actually.
Like today she sent me a $50 Macy's gift card. I hate Macy's because $50 there is like $5. But, after Christmas, it will go a lot further. And, she sent me a framed photo of my grandmother. I never unwrapped it because I would have cried. If she'd done a picture of my grandmother at age 20, I would have loved it, but this one with her holding me at age 4 with my great-grandmother along side her was like she was saying, "Look, your grandma, like a mother to you, she's not here on your birthday."
It made me very very sad. But, on the other hand, it just showed me that my MIL just doesn't REALLY know me. And, it helps to know that because she's not rejecting me; she JUST doesn't know me.
Today, beyond the brink of exhaustion and burnout, I've reached yet another boundary. I am making time for me. Writing. Exhaling and moving past the barriers of the usual- -give more than I have habit. I am learning how to accept help too. Today, the sitter had a schedule conflict, but her mother offered to watch my kids so we could go out to dinner. I accepted the help graciously.
I'm 34. A little wiser. A few more lines of character are apparent. Time out is a good thing, not a reward, but a necessity. I can find joy in everything; I'm taking more time to embrace it.
Even if it places creases in my face value.
