Seeing The Vow movie made me want to go back...

Seeing The Vow movie made me want to go back...

To work...or school...

Yes, weird. But, it made me want to go back to work.. even part time or something.. but how?  I don't know how. I already work part time from home.

I am searching to define me. Could this be a middle-life crisis? I don't know. But I am searching for something more than SAH mommy hood. The kids need me. As I write I remember one of my children is coughing and needs to go to the doctor. The other needs two cavities filled. Just tonight, I saw it. They need me to be home. They need me not to have to take a day off of work to care for them.

Why am I not fufilled in fufilling their needs?

They need me. I need to be here. Why do I feel lost?

I dabbled on the idea of trying to work evenings at the local paper. Stammering into their offices, slamming down my Journalism degree and experience...literally blowing off the dust on my resume.

I write as my oldest makes car noises at play time before bed. That's precious.

There I am again, trapped between both worlds as if it's all or nothing.

I shopped Friday on my own and it was hard to just look around and not think of them. I shopped and wondered about who I was and what girl I was shopping for. I can't dress me in work clothes and I am tired of t-shirts and jeans. I don't work, but yet, I don't want to dress for being home.

Who am I? Am I a working girl in transition? It's just a pause? In the movie, Paige searches for herself and her husband searches to find their marriage again. It's a cross between two worlds. She is no longer an artist, nor lawyer, nor lawyer turned artist.

After watching the film I wanted to go back to school and go back to work. I wanted to find ME again. I wanted to be like Paige, lost in a room smudging my hands in clay to reclaim the message trapped inside my soul.

She found her soul. She found her spirit in her art. I find me in my writing, but to conduct an interview I have to hide in a closet and hold the door shut while screaming kids pound on the door.

I know it's a blink and they are back in school. Perhaps this is just me being prepared for big change in two years. Maybe it's a good thing. I wanted to be home. I FOUGHT to be home. I interviewed dozens to find the reasons to stay home. I am convinced now I am a working mom that stays home. Heart here, mind over there..

I really wanted to be here. I just get lost sometimes between the two worlds.

Between the two mes.

Between the vows, the promises of who I was, who I am and who I think or want or will be.

Perhaps, it's about constant change. Things are always shifting. Like clothes on the shelf. Like mirror images and time that tramples over the reflections.

Like growing babes. And seasons of coughs and cavities. Appreciation is 20-20 and the soul is in need of constant recharging. And, the reflections of those moments can't be found by dusting off trophies. But, breaking up the artist in me certainly reshapes my soul too.