Boundaries

Reading the book on Boundaries again.. This time I am studying it like its the first course of a master's degree. I am devouring it completely. I am highlighting. I am taking notes. I am stopping to reflect like there's a test tomorrow and I've got to pass it to get my degree.

Every line is significant. I am taking my time. Third time's a charm.

After being so strong with the dog, obedience boundaries and working daily to not care about my neighbor's infliction on me, I was doing okay, then my mom came and then just soon after my MIL came in and tore all the walls down. Both of them bullied me in the same way. Within a day I was doing things their way and only their way, as if they really knew what they were doing.

It makes me angry, but the book is calling me to own my choices. I can't change their behaviors if they are doing something wrong. I can't expect them to change (and they can be really really bad. In fact my MIL doesn't even have friends, just family members that MOVE FAR away from her and people that really are disturbed by her. (It's really bad) ). I shouldn't be writing this. Maybe I should erase this part.

But, the book says I can't change her, but I can change the choices I make around her. I can change the thoughts I listen to when she's around. She doesn't have to control my thoughts or my choices. I can say no. I can disagree with her. I can move away in location, emotionally and mentally. I can also make sure that when she does come, I am not stuck alone with her. 12 hours one-on-one with my MIL was too much. I mean, after she left, for about a day, I was in a haze. I actually curled up in a ball and cried. She manipulated me. She took over my home. She abused me by putting me down for two solid days by corrected every thing I did. It was like the first five hours were normal. She was humble.

But, the second day was mental and verbal abuse, let me choke you with how I raised my kids and how to better do things MY way day. I found myself hiding. I didn't even clean my kitchen because she was coming through and cleaning around me, sweeping the floors and sending us to the bus stop alone so she could sneak around and vacuum my house and then subtly tell me the dog needed some "fresh air" outside.

I feel repressed, like a deflated inner tube when she's around. My mom does the same thing. She puts me down (see recent bully post). And, I ignore it because well, it's easier. She wants power. She wants to pretend she is in control, she wants to be the center of attention, etc etc. And, it's easier.  But, it's not easier on me. It KILLS me. It makes me uncomfortable. It represses me so much that when they leave, the worse of me comes out. I BECOME the bully. I spitfire gossip. I lash out for DAYS.

The book says I get to OWN my life, my decisions. The book reminds me that some people are gifted at manipulating people to give more than what they want. It is my job to set limits on what I give and set limits on what people can take. Biblically, I am not even supposed to give a gift without true joy.

It's a cruel form of honesty for me. But with my giving, very loyal "lab like" personality, I have a tendency to overgive. It's my nature to love with ALL I have. It's both wonderful and not-so-wonderful at times. It means letting go for me can take years. It's a steady job for me.

My goal this time is to say no and observe when I start to have those deflated feelings. When things were wonderful those first five hours, before the takeover incident, I invited my MIL back for Thanksgiving. I felt like I owed her for her graciousness. After all I was getting to see Sting because of her. She as being so nice. My hubby won't let me un-invite her. And, I've thought about trying to catch a stomach bug, but everyone tells me that's a little drastic. But, it does tell me something about how much she effects me and that I need to start respecting my own spirit.

My goal is to write down what I am feeling while she is here. I am even doing to try doing hash marks to the side quietly (because I know she'll be following me the whole time. Even when you are on the computer, she comes by to ask what you are doing. She asks if you are grading papers or "just surfing."

She expects the whole family to be together mostly the whole time. No space.) for every time she says something emotionally abusive and for every act she does that deeply disturbs me. My goal is to start to identify what she does, objectively let myself feel what I feel, and to stand up for myself either by speaking up or taking the situation back under my control by leaving or simply changing directions or planning a quick get out of the house activity.

One way, I'll have to figure out the mornings. Husband sleeps til 11 or so every holiday and that leaves me one-on-one with her from 7-11 and it's too much. So, I'll come up with a plan for that. I am not sure what. But the smothering she does is a great disturbance to my soul.  It's been four days since she's been here and I'm still shivering with agony that she's coming back. And, I am a very loving person. I don't even like to kill a fly.

So, I am learning to kills those flies that come about when someone comes that tries to 1. take over. 2 passive aggressively tell me that I am not mothering "like she did" (and her way was better) 3. avoiding the still moments when the conversation gets craftily changed to a position that disturbs my personal boundary. She's not my friend. She can't take or have all of me. This isn't easy because I love to give of myself. I love to help people. I love to share.

It's a large daunting task. Ironic but do I read the Boundaries book in front of her or do I cover the Boundaries book with another book cover so I don't have to discuss it?

Yes, fences can be confusing. But, permanent, once they are established. Digging up the new ground to plot them in is the toughest part.