Brave New World

This was written in Oct 2012.

As I meet more and more new people out here, I keep thinking about an opening to a Stephen King novel.. you know the ones where everything SEEMS all right in the beginning?

I meet more people that come to me and tell me, "You're gonna LOVE it here! Everyone loves it here!"

Everyone is so nice and kind, but I have my guard up. I am waiting to see when reality hits.

I'm weary of new neighbors and besides talking about colleges, degrees, interests and children or where the local grocery store is (there isn't one closer than 25 minutes), I've kept it surface.

I remember the all too well that if you say or do the wrong thing, well, the neighbor is STILL there, so watch your steps.

Also, I am weary of learning about the personality types and about who I can trust. A new friend reminded me that the first person you meet may not really be the BEST person to trust either. And, the person that knows everyone, well, usually KNOWS everyone and talks a lot too.

I feel them making judgments. I realize quickly they don't get my dry sarcasm so I have to explain things like what it means when my husband is "home" now. The girl says, "He works from home?" "No, I say, he's not working til 9 pm. as a principal and pursuing his doctoral degree. He's home at 5 now. It's great!"

I have polite talk with an engineer kindof lady from Aggie land. I try to watch my children at the park and still give her the center of my attention. It's hard work to watch my words, be very polite and watch my kids and try to take in my surroundings.

I think maybe I'll meet my new best friend here and now. I should really try to take it all in. This is a great new start..maybe...

When I first walked up, the lady I met through her husband the other day welcomes me as if she was waiting for me for hours.. And, I meet everyone else she knows.  Suddenly, five people know my name and I stumble to remember just two names. They were all expecting me. I explain I got there about 12 hours ago and been waiting for the cable guy from 1-4. They don't laugh but smile. Looking back, maybe they would have GOT it if I had explained that we literally moved in at noon this very same day and it's 3 pm. here.

Of course, they could have taken that wrong too. See, I am second-guessing everything. I had some tough weird mean people in my other neighborhood so I'm scared. And, I could say the wrong thing and they'd just turn me away or gossip would get going. My friend Carrie, a man in his late 60s who taught tech theatre at the high school I taught with would tell me, "Stay out of the teacher's lounge. If they don't know you, they can't talk about you."

He passed away two years ago in Dec. I still miss him.

And, so this meet up feels like the teacher's lounge. It APPEARS sweet and "safe", but I look for sharks and worry about bored busy bodies that might take something sarcastic I say and RUN with it.. I know, I am being paranoid. I'm just scared.

Scared of caring too much too. I am also hurt.  I miss my friends. One, it just hurt so much once I got sortof settled on Saturday and I just broke down and called her. She never-well, maybe twice in the seven years I've known her, answered the phone on a weekend..but I called.

I told her how much I missed her..no really missed her SO much. So much. Well, it's Monday and haven't even gotten an email. I think I got a FB comment or something. It's been since June 22 or so since I've seen her. And it's been ages since her and I have gotten together and it feels like YEARS since we'd spend one night a week together watching TV like we used to. I miss that SO much. It had become part of me that made me feel complete. I had a constant friend. And, then life changed and it went away.

Perhaps, that's another blog..you see she has family nearby. .and doesn't need me as much as I needed her. WE got through the miscarriages together. It was our time. We had our babies together. She took care of me by watching my oldest when I had my second. She brought me Chick Fil-A when I was sick, we went to movies, we were close for a time. It's silly I can't let go.

I should be stronger than this, right? I've suffered through far more..so why does this feel like I'm attending my own funeral and no one has showed up?

But, the truth is, my friends are my family so maybe that's why it's hard to let go. Not having family near and well, never really depending on my family- -I depend on my friends for spiritual comfort, emotional encouragement and just to be there..

Maybe I have it backwards and Maybe that's why it's harder for ME and not my friends. They HAVE people. They have family apart from their friends..

But everyone is SO far away.. everyone that I could be REAL with. Everyone that KNOWS what the past five years have been like with hubby working nonstop and conflicts that have been sooo hard. This really is a new start.

But, I miss my friends that got me through that time. Part of me blames myself. Maybe they don't call and check on me because they think I am high-maintenance. Or maybe they are tired of me. Or maybe I was as one friend said I was "too much." Maybe I am "too much" thus the surface conversations I've started and trying not to depend on people besides grocery store talks. Now, I See it as I read this. .. I maybe was too much.. I can work on that.. And I AM working on that.

I am not sure.

But, one friend and I have talked over the phone for 30 min and that was wonderful. It was two weeks ago. She never feels too far somehow. One I text throughout the day. The other was a neighbor and she's moved. I still would love to talk to her every day too, but I know time changes and one must let go a little. Darn my bond for life characteristics.

I have three friends in this new place.. One I'd call a relative- -she knew my grandma. She is basically family. I've seen her three times since we came here. She's now um, well an hour a way. The other, my journalism friend lives over that way too. And, another is in a mom's group and she's nearer. In fact, when she moves she will be 5 min away. See, I have leads..

I have a friend Bonnie and she texts me to check on me. So, I guess I am not completely alone.  And, then there's Nicole and leslie and Stacia. I really miss them too. Nicole is running marathons and busy at her church and she's an old friend from college. Haven't seen her in a year. But, in my heart, she still feels close. Leslie and Stacia lived far and I didn't see them as much, but I still miss them too.

So, I am okay. Just watching the sun come up. All I hear is the humming fridge I've inherited, the keys on the keyboard and a darn cricket that won't SHUT up.

It's not bad. It's a growing time. Just hurts to be lonely. To feel like I have to calculate everything I say because no one here even knows my favorite color. I want to hide. I don't even want to see the landscape guy or the skylight guy today.

I'm terrified that I have to pack up kids in the pitch dark driveway tomorrow to take M to school.

I have to be here alone tonight since hubby is out of town. Ironically, in Houston.

I literally feel like an electric wire that has been tossed into a bath of water. All of my circuits are wigging out. I'm in shock. I want to hide to some place of safety. But, there's no place to run.

I have to try all this new stuff. Without a break. A new dentist. I HATE the dentist. New doctors. New people. It's a brave new world- -but I'm not feeling so brave.