And I drove away

Monday my MIL showed up and I did something I wouldn't ever do to anyone. She wasn't invited and she was doing the wrong thing and breaking yet another boundary. She did this when she took my cat to the pound and left it there and then lied about it. She did this when she broke into our house with a key we forgot we gave her (sneaking in when she thought we were not home) after we asked her to stay in the hotel. She DOES this stuff and it's just not right.  She does things I would never do- -to anyone.

You can look at something from the objective view and think maybe I am not as nice as I should be. But, lately, I am learning that even laying down flat and giving everything away doesn't get you anywhere either.

I feel badly because I've grown cold to her temper tantrums. I've grown cold to her tricks. I've built a fence so high that I'm clinging to it to preserve myself. It's scattered with barbed wire. 

But, I didn't start out that way. I was like Deborah on the TV showWhat About Raymond? I was the sweetest thing, but little by little I've learned that something's JUST not right.

It could be about little things like her taking the sugar bowl when we asked her not to, or literally lying about things. I can't trust her.

Also, since she showed up, I wig out when I see a white car that looks like hers. I flinch. I don't feel "safe" in my own house. 

I DO feel guilt for not telling her when she came that we had plans. It crossed my mind to leave the kids with her and continue with my plans, but then, that would be telling her that it was okay to drop by unannounced on a day when we specifically said we were not available.

She did this with her son Christmas day a year ago. She drove from TX to CA and then got to CA and called, "Can we come early? Because we are here now."

She did this when the kids schemed to get together a day early in DC years ago without her. She somehow drove 1500 miles in a day because she didn't want to be left out.

I don't know how to reason with it. My mom says to never talk to her again. I can't do that with my kids. And, I know if I'd never known my own grandparents (which was possible because of divorce and family issues), I would have missed out on something big.

But as a person, this isn't me. If any of my friends dropped by, or a family member, I would normally stop everything I am doing to be with them. 

I am watching "Spy Kids Game Over" now and the scientist just said, "How is he?" The other answers, "His brain waves are normal." I just feel like something is off here with her. I don't feel like her brain waves are normal.

It makes me feel off too.

Like, it went through my mind to give her the kids and continue to my Yoga class, but I called my husband and he said to keep driving, to continue driving. I left her in the driveway with her husband in her car. I didn't even leave her an explanation. Maybe I should have said, "Nice to see you, and thanks for driving all this way, but we have plans tonight. We can't see you tonight." But, I don't know how I would have handled her arguments. Looking back I wished I'd have said that even if I had to do it without looking into her eyes. If I'd done that firmly and left without giving her time to argue that might have been better.

But, that day, my boldness was letting my husband do the calling with her shouting into the phone. And she called and left a message as soon as she saw me drive off, but I didn't answer.

I was shaking with nerves and anger. I didn't understand what she was doing and I really wish I hadn't stopped to check the mail and read it. My GUT said something's not right. I even said it out loud. 

And, I saw her car. 

And now she's calling everyone I know and telling them different lies and stories. It's like she needs the tug of war to keep her "close" or talking to her family. She NEEDS to make people mad to keep the attention on her. Or she needs constant attention to feel validated. She creates this drama.

I remember hearing years ago that she drove 10 hours to see her brother and he didn't answer the door. She told everyone the story and I thought, "What an awful thing to do to one's sister." But, I realize there was more to the story. Her brother must have felt driven to that point.

I can't cut her out of my life, but it really makes me want to move...FAR away.. so I will be kept accountable for not depending on her.  It makes me fear that something may happen to John or me and I'll need someone to help us and it will have to be her living here and it will slowly drive me insane.

I've thought about laying down flat. Giving her my home. She could teach me how to clean in ways that make her happy or happier when she's here. My BIL says just give her her way. But he sees her 3 days a year, we see her 4 weeks a year easily (3-6 weekends a year).

I could give her all of me. This standing ground is exhausting and its not me. It's cruel to leave her in that driveway. Without explanation, I just DROVE off with the grandkids. 

I am surprised she didn't follow me. I don't know what I would have done if she'd done that.  Also, the kids were confused about why I was driving away.

It's like I can't give her an inch because she takes it all and I'm not dealing with normal here. And it's making me almost not normal too.

I am learning how to be cool these days, like at the bus stop with the other moms. I learned to bring a book so I don't appear needy for conversation. Oddly enough more moms approach me when I appear to not care.

And, I know I was approached by the neighbor when I didn't care and when I cared more, she walked all over me. That relationship is lost.

I've gone a zillion rounds with my MIL. From letting her talk for hours on the phone, pretending to listen to her, listening to her, believing her when she said she had cancer and not to tell anyone. It was "our" secret to be kept from her husband. That was 12 years ago and no sign of cancer.

And she spoke about religion and odd things and wouldn't let me off the phone. Or I'll ask her about the most easy thing to talk about and there's a long pause. Conversation won't flow.

I have laid flat when she's here. Letting her clean and tell me how to clean. Letting her coming over drive me to NERVES. It was easy being with her when I took antidepressants for those few months after baby and it was easier when she stayed in a hotel- -but she had a FIT when we had her stay in a hotel. She confronted me for 8 solid hours about that. I was 6 months pregnant and she cornered me a dinner, at breakfast, in between and around the entire day. 

But I can't handle the lies anymore. I can't handle the backstabbing feeling when she doesn't get her way. I am ready to go out to dinner with her and sit where we want, not wherever she argues against the waiter to sit.  Last time we found a seat it was perfect. A long table in a corner- -perfect for nursing a baby ( I thought maybe I'll get to actually eat too) and she didn't like it. As soon as we were seated, she said she wasn't happy and we had to tell the waiter to move us across the restaurant. Grabbing ten minutes worth of kids stuff, I told the waiter, "She's the mom and we do whatever she wants. I am sorry." It made me angry. Later she went on to tell the waiter her food wasn't right either.  Which is okay, but it was hard to watch the abuse.

I am ready to not have holidays with her because they tie my stomach into knots. Something's not right and I can't pinpoint what it is. I DO know that people I love won't be in the same room with her. My mom and stepmom, close friends too won't be with her after just one visit. So, maybe it's not just me. I don't like confrontation. I am a peace maker, but there is no peace here.

Also, I don't want her misfits to change me or my children.

Family is complicated- -especially when they don't feel like anything familiar. It's not me. It's far from the best of me. I drove away. She sat there yelling into the phone. She didn't get her way. I was numb, angry, shaking at the boundary she knocked down. Now, the four-hour drive from her house to mine doesn't feel far enough. It has shaken my security.

She called my BIL and is calling and on the attack. 

I feel nothing, just guilt and a little sad that I'm different now with her.  And I can feel her anger from four hours away. I dread the confrontation when I have to see her again. But, now I welcome to cold space of comfort.

 And I can't go back. I drove away. I drove away.