I am not perfect. Though, sometimes I expect myself to be...why isn't anyone else being as hard on themselves as I've been on myself?
Or, does everyone else also rage within themselves?
I told my friend today at the gym, I felt fat and I had a muffin top. She said, "Gag!" and she didn't take me seriously. She said I'm "Skinny" and I felt crossed over when she ignored my feelings. I wasn't encouraged but rather discouraged by her lack of concern for how I was feeling. She put me in a box.
I suppose I am like that a lot with my friend with one child. She drives me nuts. I have three children. We are miles apart these days. Two languages. For her, bed time is an hour-long process. For me, all three are down in twenty minutes. She, works on the schedule constantly. I see it's more about flex time.. More like "Guidelines" as the Pirates would say. pirates clipSo, I am probably pretty callous when it comes to her. I can work on that. Another box.
I would say I am a little rough around the edges. Socially, I don't always fit into the box. When you first meet me, you won't get my sarcasm. You won't get my dry comments. You may assume the worst of me. You may not know that underneath the layers, I care almost too much about everyone I meet.
For one, I am terrible at interrupting. I have so much going on in my head some days, I can't wait to talk. I am comfortable when we can both talk at the same time. I want to yell "Catch up!" some days.
And, I have a tendency to try to control the conversation instead of listening. Maybe it would be best if my tongue was where my hands are so that I could sit on my tongue.
And, when I workout, I don't take it seriously. I am trying to, but mostly to be honest, it's about having the kids in childcare and watching HGTV on the treadmill for an hour. I'll use the three-pound weights instead of the fifteen-pounders to work on my "form."
It's sanity time. Stop judging me. Hey, I showed up right?
Also, I am very impatient. I have a hard time with slow people. I am a mega-multi-tasker. This means I will do things as mom calls them "half-a**" but it's done. People that take the time to lay out all of the ingredients one at a time drive me bonkers.
I can be impatient with change and hard on friends. I can expect too much and ask too little all at once. I am all too willing to put my friends ahead of everything in my life, and when they don't do the same for me, I can be a jerk.
I realized today after reading my son The Giving Tree, that for most of my life, that has been me- -willing to give it all away. As I held back tears with each word, I had to ask my son if he liked the book. He said, "Nope. It was stupid." And, perhaps the story needed some adjusting. Like me. I feel sorry for the tree. He gives up too much and it's not fair.
The Giving Tree
But, now, after reading Boundaries and now reading Boundaries in Marriage and Boundaries with Kids, I am changing, growing and putting myself first for a change.
Trying to see myself less like less-than. And, not like a child, with overgrown humility and sticking up for myself more. Which all at once, makes me feel like my evil twin. Thus two blogs. One for nice PC me and one for me. Just me. So tired of the censored box.
Tired of all of the boxes people put me in. Some friends won't let me change. Maybe I need new friends.
I've stepped out. Yes, I am imperfect. But, this is me. This is me. And, I am stomping on the box.
Or, does everyone else also rage within themselves?
I told my friend today at the gym, I felt fat and I had a muffin top. She said, "Gag!" and she didn't take me seriously. She said I'm "Skinny" and I felt crossed over when she ignored my feelings. I wasn't encouraged but rather discouraged by her lack of concern for how I was feeling. She put me in a box.
I suppose I am like that a lot with my friend with one child. She drives me nuts. I have three children. We are miles apart these days. Two languages. For her, bed time is an hour-long process. For me, all three are down in twenty minutes. She, works on the schedule constantly. I see it's more about flex time.. More like "Guidelines" as the Pirates would say. pirates clipSo, I am probably pretty callous when it comes to her. I can work on that. Another box.
I would say I am a little rough around the edges. Socially, I don't always fit into the box. When you first meet me, you won't get my sarcasm. You won't get my dry comments. You may assume the worst of me. You may not know that underneath the layers, I care almost too much about everyone I meet.
For one, I am terrible at interrupting. I have so much going on in my head some days, I can't wait to talk. I am comfortable when we can both talk at the same time. I want to yell "Catch up!" some days.
And, I have a tendency to try to control the conversation instead of listening. Maybe it would be best if my tongue was where my hands are so that I could sit on my tongue.
And, when I workout, I don't take it seriously. I am trying to, but mostly to be honest, it's about having the kids in childcare and watching HGTV on the treadmill for an hour. I'll use the three-pound weights instead of the fifteen-pounders to work on my "form."
It's sanity time. Stop judging me. Hey, I showed up right?
Also, I am very impatient. I have a hard time with slow people. I am a mega-multi-tasker. This means I will do things as mom calls them "half-a**" but it's done. People that take the time to lay out all of the ingredients one at a time drive me bonkers.
I can be impatient with change and hard on friends. I can expect too much and ask too little all at once. I am all too willing to put my friends ahead of everything in my life, and when they don't do the same for me, I can be a jerk.
I realized today after reading my son The Giving Tree, that for most of my life, that has been me- -willing to give it all away. As I held back tears with each word, I had to ask my son if he liked the book. He said, "Nope. It was stupid." And, perhaps the story needed some adjusting. Like me. I feel sorry for the tree. He gives up too much and it's not fair.
The Giving Tree
But, now, after reading Boundaries and now reading Boundaries in Marriage and Boundaries with Kids, I am changing, growing and putting myself first for a change.
Trying to see myself less like less-than. And, not like a child, with overgrown humility and sticking up for myself more. Which all at once, makes me feel like my evil twin. Thus two blogs. One for nice PC me and one for me. Just me. So tired of the censored box.
Tired of all of the boxes people put me in. Some friends won't let me change. Maybe I need new friends.
I've stepped out. Yes, I am imperfect. But, this is me. This is me. And, I am stomping on the box.
No comments:
Post a Comment