Fences of comfort

Oct 2012

This new city thing is coming together…a little. 

I DID get a little sad when I talked to our dog’s former vet yesterday. It wasn’t that I LOVED the place; it’s just that I could picture who was on the other side of the phone. Then, I missed home.

I don’t miss my old house, but I miss how I knew everything about it.

This house is a new adventure every day. Today the septic high water light went on again. Sigh. Tomorrow, it may be something else. Learning to roll with what comes at me. It’s not easy, but to look back and see what waters we’ve rafted, it doesn’t seem that bad.

So far….

Met a new friend.  She makes me laugh. She GETS me. She’s very vocal and very laid back. She’s older, like she graduated in 89…older. That’s fine. Still trying to figure us out.  I can tell she’s trying to figure me out too..only she’s the more confident one. I feel like I just put my toe in the water.

Went to the park with her. Her kids are a bit older. She’s a nature person. She is now in charge of the ropes course at the school, on city council and a couple other important things. Though, talking to her, you’d never know it. I really feel like myself with her, yet still I feel it’s a balancing act not to share too much. I have to also remember she knows nothing about me.

It’s starting from ground zero. It’s a weird place.  And, I remember neighbor issues at the old house and just things I could have done better, so I try to do the best I can. 

I don’t want to appear clingy or needy or share too much.  I want to undo anything else I could have done wrong with other friends.  It seems like it’s better when you need your friends less than they need you.. I always feel like I need them more and it’s harder that way.. So I stand tough these days..

Probably too tough.

The hard part is not having years to fall back on. Like, I’ve only known her a week or two so we don’t have a history to ground the friendship. Like, any day she could like stop calling and inviting me to stuff and I’ve got to be okay with that. It’s hard since I feel  so vulnerable right now.

So, I feel a little lost some days not having a home base because my friends really are my family. They are. And, I have no family here.. but I know it will come…

Still don’t know if I am in her club yet. She embraces me, but I wait every day and prepare if I don’t make the cut. Not sure exactly who the popular kids are. I think I know two of them now, so I am all too careful. This really is a small town. Population 1250, it feels like population 5.

I’m holding back a ton these days. They call me “Houston.” They laugh at my hills fears and my strong pain of missing chain restaurants and pizza. And, how I WHINE about how everything is so FAR away (25 minutes away).

She got along well with John and she seems to be on my wavelength. Her house is over the hill. I can see her metal roof from my deck.  It makes my world feel smaller when I can point to someone I know from my front deck. It, actually means the WORLD to me.

I am great when we talk over the phone, but together, in person, like all other times, I get shy. I don’t feel as confident. Or as bold.

I attended the Halloween party for the neighbors. It was a bunch of parents and their kids. It was great, but I froze up the minute I was in the crowd. I suddenly didn’t know what to do. I said hello, shook some hands and got all stiff.  Small talk. I am great with a couple of people at a time, but in crowds, I just don’t do as well.

I visited a neighbor church Halloween gig. It was awesome, though I fought back the tears because I didn’t know a soul.

I find I am afraid to let the kids go too. I don’t want them to leave my side. Even in the backyard, I am careful. Of course, there are no fences.

Fences, now that’s the deeper issue.  The fences I’ve built around me over the 34 years I lived in Houston. Fences of friends become family.

Fences of familiarity. Fences of safety. Fences of people that took care of me. Doctors, teachers, fire fighters.

It’s not easy. When people don’t know you. It’s like I’m walking a tightrope without a safety net all of the time- -an orphan out here.

But, little by little, I feel like this COULD be home… Just have to give it time…