Sometimes the hardest part about being a mom is the other moms...
Sometimes it's my own mom.
Sometimes it's my MIL.
Sometimes it's the comparisons.... Sometimes it's me.
Sometimes it's the quest for perfection- -whatever that is.
Yesterday my mom visited. The first two days were fine. Then, the third day, she was rearranging my house, criticizing the drawer space, the kids' rooms, my lack of a cracker-crumb-free car...
Everything was under the breath words.. She started to remind me a lot of my MIL. I've never noticed it before. My dad said they had much in common, but I never noticed that before. I guess because well, she's my mom.
Dad and mom, divorced since I was four, seem to have only harsh sarcastic words for one another.. I take it with stride and a sense of humor..
These last two days were filled with passive aggressive conversations. She said, "I know you are late.. it doesn't bother me you are 15 minutes late but... if it were you..." I start to drive a 50 in a 30 and then stop and think it's not worth it. I can bend over backwards and still, can't make her happy.
The story of my life and the beginning of NEW habits. I took a deep breath and turned up the radio. Let her wait. It's her character that needs to change not mine. I explained to her sweetly we had plenty of time. Any other mom with three youngsters would have totally understood being 15 minutes off "schedule." Fifteen minutes is a given.
But growing up if I was 5 minutes late, it was a verbal beating for sure. It was TERRIBLE.
The whole day was a tug of war. I said let's do the running around in town then go back home to wash your clothes so we don't have to make a 15 mile commute more than once today. She doesn't listen.. "Well, when it's not your way, it's a 30 min commute, but when you are late it's only 20 minutes.."
I shrug and let another one go. She has no idea how unkind she is. She has no idea my son missed his nap Tuesday so I could spend the day driving 150 miles around town to entertain. We don't have days like this. We are home most of the day. We do one activity at most on a given day. It's all about balance.
Meanwhile all day she calls her husband's co-worker all day to check on the arrival of their baby.. all day long.. leaving messages for someone she's beaten up for years verbally behind his back.. like she wants to be important..like she's HIS family..but I've never heard her say a kind work about the guy..She changes her voice all sweet and it bothers me. A lot.
I love her.. she's been very good to me..she paid for my surgery last June. It changed my life. She changes my life, but it does't seem to last.. the goodness changes with her moods.. and it's hard to always embrace all of her.. all of the time..
It's complicated. So I walk a tightrope. Her emotions turn and move. I ask again why she didn't sleep, she says, "Because I ate that weird meal" She growls. I respond back with kindness, "No, I meant was it anything else?"
She repeats things over and over. I nod again. She makes conversations with strangers to tell them how much money she has, to tell them about their business and their search for a home and about private schools as if she's high society. We wait outside on the patio at the coffee shop while she makes new friends with strangers.
She gets embarrassed when the valet sees the inside of my car and tells him, "it's a mess." I get angry and yell out cheerfully "I am a pig!" I am angry, but hiding it well. I vacuumed the car out two weeks ago... it's not enough.. but I MOVED 5 days ago.. Give me a break woman!
While cleaning up the room in my sons' room. I unpack the drawers.
She said, "this is a mess!"
I said, "Yes, but I don't want to clean it now. I want to spend time with my sister! I want to take that time.. now.. and not miss it.." The goal three days ago was to JUST get things into drawers and off of the floor...
She says (your sister), "She doesn't need that. She's fine."
I say, "But I need the time with her. I miss her." And, I keep cleaning..
Tug of War.
Then I went to check on the tree cutter people outside.. she said, under her breath as I leave, "I am SURE that's more important" than cleaning up this room..
And, I feel like, yes, if I am cutting them a check for a grand to cut 8 trees down, yes, I should take a step or two outside to check on the progress or lack thereof.
And no, my house is not always perfect. Yes, I keep dishes in the sink a night or two once or twice a month. If it's a choice between losing my mind, I'll choose sanity.
You see, with three kids, ages 2, 4 and 6, there's a lot of juggling to do. You don't remember that if you don't have young kids.
She has a 13 year old and it's so easy to remember how easy it was.. right?
That's the hard part. I feel strongly that encouragement with moms is HUGE. There's no ONE way to do this job. I know my kids. I know them. It's even harder when it's your own mom or MIL cutting you down.
And, no I am not perfect. It's a progression. And, one day it works one day and the other, it works another way. This mom job is ever-changing-- so BACK OFF already!
But, it's hard when other moms, my mom or a MIL sees only THEIR way as the right way. Those cutting words still linger in the air here like puffs of smoke..."Filth!"
We don't live in filth. We don't. And, I REFUSE to put myself down because I don't meet her standards. I just won't. I want to tell her, "You have WAY more time than I have right now. You step in my shoes for a WEEK and see what really works and what doesn't. If you are not willing to do that, then back away."
I found I kept my home perfect while I was showing it for 6 months and I yelled like a crazy woman almost every single day. I can have a clean house, but I always regretted treating my kids that way at the end of the day. I couldn't recognize the monster I had become.
Today, I cleaned the bathroom, swept the floor, did three loads of laundry, made lunches, cleaned kitchen, bathed a two year old, checked email, sent out 8 grade reports, responded to work emails, prepared Halloween clothing and plans, took out the trash and showered all by 11 a.m. That's actually a lot for me. But, I made time to snuggle on the couch with my 4 year old too.
I won't always have that time to snuggle.. nor will he want to snuggle with me..
So, I say as moms, we can agree to disagree. No one is perfect. But we all love our children. Love is what sticks. So, less criticism please.
I want to tell my mom to back off, but I nod and let her ramble on about everything she's sure she knows best about. I figure she will be gone in a day. Keep the peace. But, if and when she moves here, things will HAVE to change..
She calls two and three times in one morning. She gets angry when I don't call her RIGHT back, but I sweetly (with clenched teeth) tell her I was bathing my son, I needed a minute..and she stops her frustration. She didn't have control and it bothered her.
She HAS to have control.
The expectations she has for me are way too high most days. And, I've stopped putting on aires and the illusions of cleaning for three days before she comes just so she won't verbally go at it with undercuts of passive aggression. She can think what she wants. That is a major step for me. It's a great step. That, and not driving 50 to appease her time constraints.
Reality, she couldn't do what I do. She couldn't work 10-14 hours a week from home, take care of three kids and balance it all. I get angry when she only sees her side of things.
But, it keeps me humble too. I set it down. I know there are things I can do to improve. I'll take the steps but in my OWN way and in my OWN time. The days, the undercutting words. Like when you watch an Imax film and you get dizzy they say "close your eyes and the moment will pass.."
So, I close my eyes, focus on the good and know the moment will pass.. Yes, I can be BETTER, but YES there are some WONDERFUL things I am doing right.
So, I embrace THAT moment and THAT feeling: I am a great mom. I LOVE My kids and the house is JUST fine :)
Perfection comes later. My kids are babies now. I think I'll embrace THEM over the house.
Sometimes it's my own mom.
Sometimes it's my MIL.
Sometimes it's the comparisons.... Sometimes it's me.
Sometimes it's the quest for perfection- -whatever that is.
Yesterday my mom visited. The first two days were fine. Then, the third day, she was rearranging my house, criticizing the drawer space, the kids' rooms, my lack of a cracker-crumb-free car...
Everything was under the breath words.. She started to remind me a lot of my MIL. I've never noticed it before. My dad said they had much in common, but I never noticed that before. I guess because well, she's my mom.
Dad and mom, divorced since I was four, seem to have only harsh sarcastic words for one another.. I take it with stride and a sense of humor..
These last two days were filled with passive aggressive conversations. She said, "I know you are late.. it doesn't bother me you are 15 minutes late but... if it were you..." I start to drive a 50 in a 30 and then stop and think it's not worth it. I can bend over backwards and still, can't make her happy.
The story of my life and the beginning of NEW habits. I took a deep breath and turned up the radio. Let her wait. It's her character that needs to change not mine. I explained to her sweetly we had plenty of time. Any other mom with three youngsters would have totally understood being 15 minutes off "schedule." Fifteen minutes is a given.
But growing up if I was 5 minutes late, it was a verbal beating for sure. It was TERRIBLE.
The whole day was a tug of war. I said let's do the running around in town then go back home to wash your clothes so we don't have to make a 15 mile commute more than once today. She doesn't listen.. "Well, when it's not your way, it's a 30 min commute, but when you are late it's only 20 minutes.."
I shrug and let another one go. She has no idea how unkind she is. She has no idea my son missed his nap Tuesday so I could spend the day driving 150 miles around town to entertain. We don't have days like this. We are home most of the day. We do one activity at most on a given day. It's all about balance.
Meanwhile all day she calls her husband's co-worker all day to check on the arrival of their baby.. all day long.. leaving messages for someone she's beaten up for years verbally behind his back.. like she wants to be important..like she's HIS family..but I've never heard her say a kind work about the guy..She changes her voice all sweet and it bothers me. A lot.
I love her.. she's been very good to me..she paid for my surgery last June. It changed my life. She changes my life, but it does't seem to last.. the goodness changes with her moods.. and it's hard to always embrace all of her.. all of the time..
It's complicated. So I walk a tightrope. Her emotions turn and move. I ask again why she didn't sleep, she says, "Because I ate that weird meal" She growls. I respond back with kindness, "No, I meant was it anything else?"
She repeats things over and over. I nod again. She makes conversations with strangers to tell them how much money she has, to tell them about their business and their search for a home and about private schools as if she's high society. We wait outside on the patio at the coffee shop while she makes new friends with strangers.
She gets embarrassed when the valet sees the inside of my car and tells him, "it's a mess." I get angry and yell out cheerfully "I am a pig!" I am angry, but hiding it well. I vacuumed the car out two weeks ago... it's not enough.. but I MOVED 5 days ago.. Give me a break woman!
While cleaning up the room in my sons' room. I unpack the drawers.
She said, "this is a mess!"
I said, "Yes, but I don't want to clean it now. I want to spend time with my sister! I want to take that time.. now.. and not miss it.." The goal three days ago was to JUST get things into drawers and off of the floor...
She says (your sister), "She doesn't need that. She's fine."
I say, "But I need the time with her. I miss her." And, I keep cleaning..
Tug of War.
Then I went to check on the tree cutter people outside.. she said, under her breath as I leave, "I am SURE that's more important" than cleaning up this room..
And, I feel like, yes, if I am cutting them a check for a grand to cut 8 trees down, yes, I should take a step or two outside to check on the progress or lack thereof.
And no, my house is not always perfect. Yes, I keep dishes in the sink a night or two once or twice a month. If it's a choice between losing my mind, I'll choose sanity.
You see, with three kids, ages 2, 4 and 6, there's a lot of juggling to do. You don't remember that if you don't have young kids.
She has a 13 year old and it's so easy to remember how easy it was.. right?
That's the hard part. I feel strongly that encouragement with moms is HUGE. There's no ONE way to do this job. I know my kids. I know them. It's even harder when it's your own mom or MIL cutting you down.
And, no I am not perfect. It's a progression. And, one day it works one day and the other, it works another way. This mom job is ever-changing-- so BACK OFF already!
But, it's hard when other moms, my mom or a MIL sees only THEIR way as the right way. Those cutting words still linger in the air here like puffs of smoke..."Filth!"
We don't live in filth. We don't. And, I REFUSE to put myself down because I don't meet her standards. I just won't. I want to tell her, "You have WAY more time than I have right now. You step in my shoes for a WEEK and see what really works and what doesn't. If you are not willing to do that, then back away."
I found I kept my home perfect while I was showing it for 6 months and I yelled like a crazy woman almost every single day. I can have a clean house, but I always regretted treating my kids that way at the end of the day. I couldn't recognize the monster I had become.
Today, I cleaned the bathroom, swept the floor, did three loads of laundry, made lunches, cleaned kitchen, bathed a two year old, checked email, sent out 8 grade reports, responded to work emails, prepared Halloween clothing and plans, took out the trash and showered all by 11 a.m. That's actually a lot for me. But, I made time to snuggle on the couch with my 4 year old too.
I won't always have that time to snuggle.. nor will he want to snuggle with me..
So, I say as moms, we can agree to disagree. No one is perfect. But we all love our children. Love is what sticks. So, less criticism please.
I want to tell my mom to back off, but I nod and let her ramble on about everything she's sure she knows best about. I figure she will be gone in a day. Keep the peace. But, if and when she moves here, things will HAVE to change..
She calls two and three times in one morning. She gets angry when I don't call her RIGHT back, but I sweetly (with clenched teeth) tell her I was bathing my son, I needed a minute..and she stops her frustration. She didn't have control and it bothered her.
She HAS to have control.
The expectations she has for me are way too high most days. And, I've stopped putting on aires and the illusions of cleaning for three days before she comes just so she won't verbally go at it with undercuts of passive aggression. She can think what she wants. That is a major step for me. It's a great step. That, and not driving 50 to appease her time constraints.
Reality, she couldn't do what I do. She couldn't work 10-14 hours a week from home, take care of three kids and balance it all. I get angry when she only sees her side of things.
But, it keeps me humble too. I set it down. I know there are things I can do to improve. I'll take the steps but in my OWN way and in my OWN time. The days, the undercutting words. Like when you watch an Imax film and you get dizzy they say "close your eyes and the moment will pass.."
So, I close my eyes, focus on the good and know the moment will pass.. Yes, I can be BETTER, but YES there are some WONDERFUL things I am doing right.
So, I embrace THAT moment and THAT feeling: I am a great mom. I LOVE My kids and the house is JUST fine :)
Perfection comes later. My kids are babies now. I think I'll embrace THEM over the house.
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