Yep, I said it...

Okay, I'll be completely honest, motherhood is not what I thought it would be.
 

I didn't think some days I'd hate it. I didn't think some days I'd want to hide.I didn't think that some days I wouldn't want to go pick up my screaming baby out of the crib. I didn't think that some days I'd not want to return home after seeing a movie with a girlfriend. I didn't think I'd let the kids duke it out until I hear the other kindof cry upstairs. I didn't think I'd get in the car, strap the kids down and drive JUST for a moment of peace.

I didn't think I'd lose my mind so many times.

I remember thinking, and I am being completely honest here, when my oldest was born, I looked into his eyes at the hospital. A day old. I was thinking, "This is a baby and I have to take care of it.." I was thinking of it like an endless time of babysitting, just like my childhood days when my mom would call out, "And, take your brother with you.."

Don't get me wrong. I prayed for children. I know they are a miracle. After a couple miscarriages and endlessly seeming medical help to conceive a child, I know that children are a blessing, but honestly, there are days I truly forget.

I saw a mommy blog today that was titled, "Mommy needs a drink." I don't drink. It's a Southern Baptist, raised by my grandma kindof thing, but I completely understand the sentiment AKA "Mommy needs a time out, downtime, something's gotta give... NOW."

I wasn't prepared for never being able to sleep again. For that mommy radar in my head- -the kind that keeps going even when the baby monitor is off kindof radar. You never get to turn off. Even when the kids are gone, you are thinking about them. You wonder. You try to think if you've done everything.

And, then there are days you lose your mind. You lose it. You YELL. You scream and then you step back and think, "They are just being kids."  And, you start all over again the next day. You push the restart button and try again.

It's the hardest job I've ever had. 

My aunt said something today. She said, "You try to find the beauty in the ordinary moments.." And, she reminded me, "Not to be so hard on myself." I thought and wondered "I don't feel like I'm really spending time with my kids. I mean, I am with them, but sometimes I feel like we are just occupying the same space. I don't feel that mentally I am with them. I think some days I just check out."

So, the challenge is to try to find the good in the average, to remember that the days are measured and blessed- -even if I don't see it.

So, how to push the restart button on an "average- -Noah peed on the floor, kids destroyed the house, mommy needs a break, kind of day?"  The house can be cleaned. One day soon Noah will finally be potty trained. I can remember that there are moments of peace. Sit back. Take a breath. 

I know it will seem like five minutes and they will be all grown up. I need to enjoy the cuteness of Noah saying the Christmas lights look "amazing." I need to take a step back and enjoy the view of his chubby three-year-old feet crossed beneath the laptop screen.

I need to try to enjoy the view of the two boys cuddled up on the couch together and the dog warming my feet. I need to remember to smile at Mikey's Spiderman pjs and crazy haircut. 

Embrace the moment. 

Embrace the moment, good or bad; it's just for a moment.